A few weeks ago, I was triggered by one of those ever-increasing Facebook polls. The question was posed by StepMom Magazine, an online monthly magazine and support group forum to which I subscribe. The question asked what I struggle most with as a stepmom. Of the possible choices available, the one that stood out to me was, “Understanding my role in the family”. As I contemplated this, I was moved to consider other roles in my life and the expectations of these roles. I was left wondering where I misplaced my manuals. I’m sure there was a daughter manual around here somewhere. What about my sister manual? Maybe that would give me some ideas. Seriously though, wouldn’t that be nice? If it were that easy. Instead, we fumble through our various “hats”, changing them numerous times a day depending on what role we are playing in any given moment. As an example, the other morning, I woke up early and put on my student hat as I spent some time studying the bible while everyone else was asleep. Then, the pitter patter of feet brought a sleepy-eyed little girl out to the living room, followed shortly thereafter by little boy feet. I got up to get my stepmom hat. The rise of my husband set me to grab my wife hat. Follow this with a brief moment wearing my mommy hat as my baby boy greets me with his morning smile. Then off to work to twirl on my therapist/teacher hat. Back home for more wife/stepmom/mom. Throw in a little daughter hat as a phone rings. You get the drift.
It seems that most roles come with at least a handful of clear expectations with which to work. But stepmom? My best guess is that it’s some compilation of various roles. Take a chapter from the mommy book, a chapter from the aunt book (you know, positive female role model without any parental power), a few paragraphs from the friend book. Is that it? I do have my own stepmom who is honestly a great role model. I never had any idea how much she must have struggled. I never saw it, not once. She never showed us the difficulties inherent in the role. That is so much more than I’m capable of doing. So in my bewilderment I sit for a moment to reflect on how I can become what I envision for myself, rather than what I see now. How I can define my separate roles with some measure of consistency and adherence to my core values. It is that drive for personal growth that brings me to this expression of myself. Now that I have written it down, maybe I can leave it here. No longer occupying my thoughts but rather allowing me to move on.
