Facing demons

Last week, rather than looking forward to the weekend and time off work, I found myself wishing time would just stop. A situation with Emily and Dylan had come up and their mother had requested a “family meeting”.  Ahem, you mean you want me to sit in a room with you and have a conversation? Don’t you know that my mind has painted you as the evil ex-wife who ruined my husband’s life and who I would rather slingshot into another dimension than have you within my sight? Hmm, that sounds pretty much unbearable and I’d rather do just about anything else.

Then I put my adult hat on and entertained some logical thought. This situation was not about me. The kids needed some guidance and their mother asked for our input. Did I really think I could stand on the sidelines forever and just point fingers when things went awry?  Well, kinda yeah. I’m a step-mom to these kids. One step away from mom. That’s a BIG step. The writing in the gap says something like, “Don’t even think about pretending to be a parent because their “real mom” (a term I hate by the way) will speedily remind you of your insignificance.” So, seriously my method up until this point (5 years and going strong) was to keep my head down and my mouth shut. I talk to Dan when he needs to talk, give him my input, feedback, support… but I never, I mean never, talk to her. Now I have to sit in her living room, look her in the face, and give her my opinion?!?!?!? Oh, jeesh.

To put the suspense to rest, the discussion was positive and productive because we are, in fact, adults. We are parents to these children and we all care about them very much. But I have credited myself with putting aside some very significant and negative feelings in order for that to happen. And I don’t just mean negative feelings about “the ex-wife”.  I mean my own fears and apprehension about my role in this family dynamic. It’s uncomfortable (to say the least) to face any fear and we don’t do it unless the fear becomes a barrier for something we truly want. So I’ve come away from this with a new insight.  I want to be a significant part of my step-children’s wellbeing more than I fear my inferior status in this family will eventually break my heart.

Sounds a lot like love.