The latter half of 2013 is a
bit blurry. While I had time to attend to my photo journal, my blog was left
empty. Given the mental health value that I put into writing and reflecting, it
doesn’t surprise me…looking back…that it was during this same time frame that I lost perspective. Many things were happening in both my personal and professional life. I won't bore anyone here with the details but suffice it to say that in September, I had
my first panic attack. I don’t mean that I was anxious and overwhelmed. I mean
that my body said “you’re done” and induced heart racing, nausea, blurred
vision, and difficulty breathing, followed by sobbing that was so out of my
control, it felt like I wasn’t inside my body. If the episode lasted just a few
minutes longer, Dan would’ve had me in the car to the hospital. But it didn’t.
It ended. Like all panic attacks do. It left me with the knowledge of what just
happened and the knowledge to accept that I had pushed too far.
After that,
I had difficulty with almost everything. I couldn’t concentrate. It was
difficult to keep my mind focused on what I had to do. I found even normal
levels of anxiety to be intolerable. By October, with the help of family and
the HR department at work, I decided to take a leave of absence. I put my pride
down and accepted that I needed a break or I would break. (Or had I already
broke?) On the first day of my leave, I chose a bible verse, memorized it, and
kept it in the forefront of my mind every day.
Phillipians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing. But in everything
by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known
to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard
your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Every day after that, I wrote. Not publicly, of course, and
not really at length. But I took time and I wrote down my thoughts. Noticing
every day a little more clarity returned. With clarity, came the peace that
everything was going to be okay whether things changed or didn’t change. It’s
like I had forgotten that simple fact. I’m going to be okay. I always have
been. I always will be. I had gotten myself tangled up in thoughts that I HAD
to do something and I HAD to make a decision or I would be miserable forever.
Looking at it now, it seems so silly that those thoughts even entered my mind.
I know better. But, like I said, I had lost perspective.
Glad to be back.
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| By the way, Merry Christmas. Happy new Year. And all that Jazz. |
