Perspective

The latter half of 2013 is a bit blurry. While I had time to attend to my photo journal, my blog was left empty. Given the mental health value that I put into writing and reflecting, it doesn’t surprise me…looking back…that it was during this same time frame that I lost perspective. Many things were happening in both my personal and professional life. I won't bore anyone here with the details but suffice it to say that in September, I had my first panic attack. I don’t mean that I was anxious and overwhelmed. I mean that my body said “you’re done” and induced heart racing, nausea, blurred vision, and difficulty breathing, followed by sobbing that was so out of my control, it felt like I wasn’t inside my body. If the episode lasted just a few minutes longer, Dan would’ve had me in the car to the hospital. But it didn’t. It ended. Like all panic attacks do. It left me with the knowledge of what just happened and the knowledge to accept that I had pushed too far.

          

After that, I had difficulty with almost everything. I couldn’t concentrate. It was difficult to keep my mind focused on what I had to do. I found even normal levels of anxiety to be intolerable. By October, with the help of family and the HR department at work, I decided to take a leave of absence. I put my pride down and accepted that I needed a break or I would break. (Or had I already broke?) On the first day of my leave, I chose a bible verse, memorized it, and kept it in the forefront of my mind every day.

Phillipians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing. But in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Every day after that, I wrote. Not publicly, of course, and not really at length. But I took time and I wrote down my thoughts. Noticing every day a little more clarity returned. With clarity, came the peace that everything was going to be okay whether things changed or didn’t change. It’s like I had forgotten that simple fact. I’m going to be okay. I always have been. I always will be. I had gotten myself tangled up in thoughts that I HAD to do something and I HAD to make a decision or I would be miserable forever. Looking at it now, it seems so silly that those thoughts even entered my mind. I know better. But, like I said, I had lost perspective.

Glad to be back. 

By the way, Merry Christmas. Happy new Year. And all that Jazz.  

My Former Self

It’s been five months since I started using a handy little app for my Kindle Fire called “Ultimate Value Diary Plus”. It uses the point system of the Weight Watchers program, which was something I was unfamiliar with but willing to try. My weight has followed a very common course of slowly creeping up as I age. I’ve had previous success in losing some of the extra pounds and did relatively well during pregnancy. But last year, after I stopped breast feeding in August, I became very aware of how much my habits had changed when I quickly gained 10 pounds by Christmas! I realized just how easy it was to quickly lose control over your weight. I set out to simply lose the 10 that I had gained and call myself successful. With that goal in mind, I started using the app to log my food and exercise and start playing “the point game”.

It was hard at first. I felt hungry ALL THE TIME for the first two weeks. But after that, I felt great. In those two weeks, I had lost 4 pounds and that was enough to stay motivated. Within 6 weeks, I had met my goal. 10 pounds gone. Since then, amazingly another 10. No tricks, No gimmicks. The app simply informed me of what food choices I was making that were really busting my diet. I began to make better food choices in an effort to stay under my “point limit”.  In five months, I have become a 36-year-old version of the old me. I sit in amazement at what this little app did for my life (Yay, technology because I guarantee I wouldn’t have done all this on paper). It’s also changing the lives of my loved ones. I passed the little app on to my mom who also got a Kindle Fire for Christmas. As of today, she’s well on her way to meeting her own personal goal WAY before her deadline. A recent annual visit had her doctor singing her praises for the progress she has made already.  

So I share today with one goal in mind. Express my sincere gratitude for my family, who went together and bought me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I thank my sister-in-law Jenny for inspiring me to try the weight watchers system (Her story is TRULY amazing). And to spread the word that this was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The app did much of the work for me. I just had to be faithful in logging and honest about what I ate. So, for all of you tech geeks out there who use at least 5 different apps to waste time; how about trying one that will be WORTH your time.

My version is for Android users, but it's also available for the iPhone folks. Happy summer everyone. Where’s my swimsuit?!

Starting Again

            Can I call myself a blogger if I don’t post for 3 ½ months? I guess if I am a blogger, I’m a very poor one. I see that my last post predicted what surely did occur…lack of time, energy, and inspiration for blogging. Well, I forgive myself and I hope you do too. As a bonus for the lapse, in addition to today’s post I will offer the October/November post that I intended to submit but never finished writing…until today. J

With the holidays past and the new year in full swing, like most people, I’ve put some thought into how I can make this year better than last year. What improvements can I make in myself? My relationships? Can I squeeze anything else out of this experience that I will only get once? Turns out I’m at least gonna try. Step 1: get up an hour earlier every day to work out, take my time showering, make my lunch,  and have my breakfast at home (rather than in the car). That alone has done wonders to my mornings, which have tended to consist of dragging my body out of bed 40 minutes before I had to be walking through my office door, inevitably being late, spilling my breakfast on my coat as I down it in the van and having to buy my lunch…again. Step 2: Utilize the technological wonder that is my new Kindle Fire to make better choices. How? Download a food diary app that uses the weight watchers point system to start making better food choices. Download a bible app and start a daily parenting devotional. It reminds me every day to take 30 seconds and read a little good Word. All of a sudden, I’m exercising, eating better, lost a few pounds, and getting a daily bible lesson. What the what?!

            So with some new tools and growing motivation in place, I will attempt to get myself into a place where breakdowns are fewer and farther in between. I’m sure my husband will appreciate it since I tend to save them all for him. Also, I will appreciate it. We always talk about all of the things that we “should” do and chastise ourselves for not doing them; and chastise ourselves again when we experience the consequences of not doing them. What an exhausting cycle of pain and distraction! Getting out of that cycle is not rocket science, it’s just making a choice to start something. And let it go from there.

            I wish everyone the absolute best as you move into your own version of making this year better than last. May you start something today.

Boycott For Peace of Mind

Most of us have lives that seemingly require us to do more than one thing at a time. This is getting increasingly more common as we carry our lives, I mean our technology, around in our pockets. You can send an email while you picnic, surf the web in the car, and post a Facebook status any minute, anytime, anywhere. Obviously, multitasking has simply become a way of life and is almost an expected part of our daily functioning. Unfortunately, feelings of being stressed, worried and overwhelmed are also becoming a part of our daily lives. As a mental health professional, I obviously read up on issues related to wellbeing. I recently read this quote from “The Mindful Way through Anxiety” by Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer.

“Multitasking on a regular basis, particularly in an automatic, habitual way, increases stress and decreases productivity…In addition to interfering with our concentration and productivity and diminishing our connections with others, moving through life on autopilot can prevent us from making significant life changes.”

When we find ourselves frequently multitasking, we often miss out on truly enjoying the moments we have been given to enjoy. Instead, if we put our energy into one thing at a time, we enjoy it more, get it done quicker, and feel more satisfaction in its accomplishment. I know this might be hard for you hardcore multitaskers to accept but if you find yourself drained, unable to concentrate, disconnected, or “just going through the motions”, maybe multitasking has gotten the best of you.

Did you know that you can also multitask in your head? We can entertain an endless stream of overlapping thoughts every minute. Have you ever found that you have driven all the way to your destination but didn’t remember how you got there? How about catching yourself (or more embarrassingly someone else catching you) staring off into space for several minutes? That is your mind multitasking! It’s running on auto-pilot with a seemingly random train of loosely connected thoughts. 

So this is my official launch of Project Boycott Multitasking (Should I make signs? Maybe T-shirts?)

The Mission: Keep attention focused on what is happening right now. Reject pressure to continuously do more than one thing at a time.

The Expected Result: Take more opportunities to grow, be a friend, show love, feel peace, and so on.

Widening the Lens

You may have heard people say things like, “seeing the forest through the trees” or “getting lost in the details”. It’s usually in the form of some abstract advice on a problem you might be having. In looking so closely at an issue, sometimes the focus limits us in finding a solution.

I have found that I am a detail-oriented person. I cannot ignore the details. It is so inherent in my DNA that I am compelled to point out things such as editing errors in movies, or grammar/spelling errors in absolutely everything I read, and cringe internally when people mispronounce words or use them incorrectly. I can’t help it. To me, the errors leap into my awareness. I couldn’t ignore them if I tried. The most recent example that comes to mind is when I corrected my step-daughter (ever so sensitively) on her use of the word library. After years of hearing “Lie-berry”, I felt it was time. :)

For most of my life, it seems that this trait has served me well. It helps me be accurate and conscientious. I notice the subtleties in the complexity that is human nature and it has helped me to understand and empathize with others. However, I’ve come to also realize how this trait can narrow my attention and distract me from experiencing some of the more joyful and spontaneous things in life. I can get so focused on details that I miss out on opportunities to just live life...to just…be. 

My husband will confirm that I have this sort of tunnel-vision sometimes. I walk around with this weird scowl on my face. I don’t look at anybody. I just gaze into the air and I appear rather annoyed at it. Naturally, he’s convinced I’m upset despite my protests that I’m not. During the times when I’m able to pull myself out of it, I realize I was just…thinking.  My mind had focused itself on every little thing that was happening, that had happened, and that was going to happen all at once. All of that thinking had completely pulled my focus away from engaging with the people around me. The same people whose relationships I cherish. Suddenly, I’m faced with the down-side to my detail-orientation.

So in my effort to experience more than just a series of life’s details, I’m encouraging myself to “widen my lens”. Much like a camera pulls away to zoom out, I want to view “the big picture” of life.  Rather than getting lost in the details, I will strive to let in some of the beauty and joy that is included in every moment we have. I don’t contend that I’m going to be good at it. But every time that I succeed will be a moment where I feel free.