Last week, rather than looking forward to the weekend and time
off work, I found myself wishing time would just stop. A situation with
Emily and Dylan had come up and their mother had requested a “family meeting”. Ahem, you mean you want me to sit in a room
with you and have a conversation? Don’t you know that my mind has painted you as
the evil ex-wife who ruined my husband’s life and who I would rather slingshot
into another dimension than have you within my sight? Hmm, that sounds pretty
much unbearable and I’d rather do just about anything else.
Then I put my adult hat on and entertained some logical
thought. This situation was not about me. The kids needed some guidance and
their mother asked for our input. Did I really think I could stand on the
sidelines forever and just point fingers when things went awry? Well, kinda yeah. I’m a step-mom to these
kids. One step away from mom. That’s a BIG step. The writing in the gap says
something like, “Don’t even think about pretending to be a parent because their
“real mom” (a term I hate by the way) will speedily remind you of your insignificance.”
So, seriously my method up until this point (5 years and going strong) was to
keep my head down and my mouth shut. I talk to Dan when he needs to talk, give
him my input, feedback, support… but I never, I mean never, talk to her. Now I
have to sit in her living room, look her in the face, and give her my
opinion?!?!?!? Oh, jeesh.
To put the suspense to rest, the discussion was positive and
productive because we are, in fact, adults. We are parents to these children
and we all care about them very much. But I have credited myself with putting aside
some very significant and negative feelings in order for that to happen. And I
don’t just mean negative feelings about “the ex-wife”. I mean my own fears and apprehension about my
role in this family dynamic. It’s uncomfortable (to say the least) to face any
fear and we don’t do it unless the fear becomes a barrier for something we
truly want. So I’ve come away from this with a new insight. I want to be a significant part of my
step-children’s wellbeing more than I fear my inferior status in this family will
eventually break my heart.
Sounds a lot like love.
