Birthday Message

One more year is gone my dear. I want to tell you how proud I am to be your mother.

This year, you completed kindergarten with flying colors. You’re reading at the 1st grade level and completed all of the math levels available for kindergartners. You made friends and even got your first crush (Emma). Being in school is tough for you but you stick through it like a champ. You really don’t like all the “paperwork” and really, I don’t blame you. Your teacher, Mrs. Baksa had to call home once this year because you were consistently not completing your work. I felt bad for you because concentrating on something so boring is about the hardest thing you have to do. Everything else comes easy. It was simply amazing watching you learn to read. You beamed with pride every time you found a word that you could read and that list grew with lightning speed throughout the year. I’m so glad that reading comes easy for you. It will make the rest of your learning experiences more positive and fulfilling for you.

This year, you also got a couple new baby cousins. Since you’ve been “the baby” for more than five years, we worried how you would respond to a new baby. You made your mommy so proud as you showed love, concern, and genuine care for Miss Ellie Bellie. You love her truly, miss her when she’s gone, and show excitement when she’s coming over. You’re an awesome kid.

As your parents, our main challenge has been your fierce independence and quick temper. We have had to make many changes in our parenting style in order to maintain peace in our household. Your father has made the most changes as he is used to his style working so well with Emily and Dylan. But, boy does it not work with you. You require gentle guidance and suggestions, rather than commands. You respond with fire when you believe someone is “telling you what to do”. You require a full explanation as to why a particular action is necessary and if you accept the explanation, you will happily oblige. If you do not accept it...well...good luck to us.

Being a blended family has begun to settle very unwell with you. You argue vehemently that your brother and sister should always live with us because “that’s the way it’s supposed to be”. You have desperately tried to figure out where to direct your anger about this situation. At first, it was my fault, then your dad, then the kid’s mom. Someone “deserved” your anger and was going to get it. We’ve all tried our best to help you accept the situation as it is even though it sucks. Unfortunately, your brain doesn’t work that way and you continue to argue your point of view. It breaks my heart to see you struggle and know that this is life...there’s nothing I can do.

On a happy note, your 6th year will be starting off with a bang because tomorrow we are officially adopting our new dog, Chewy. He has stayed at our house for the last week and the whole family’s in love. In one short week, I’ve watched as you sacrificed for him and put him first. You have taken your responsibility as “his boy” seriously and I hope he’s everything you need in a friend at home.

Happy 6th Birthday, my super hero

Love, Momma

Enough is Enough

I usually don’t use this format to voice my thoughts on societal issues but I have been unable to think about much else since the Brock Turner sentencing. This one case exemplifies so many of our societal ills: our biased criminal justice system, issues of privilege and race, and of course, our deeply ingrained injustices regarding sexual assault.

This man was caught in the act of one of the most extreme forms of sexual assault. He was appropriately convicted (which in itself is difficult to do in this country). And then slapped on the wrist because the judge is concerned about the negative impact that prison might have on him. Since when do we so thoughtfully consider the negative impact of prison on convicted criminals? We don’t. That is, except when the criminal is white and privileged.

Then there is the issue of sexual assault. This man went looking for a victim. He admittedly wanted to “hook up” with someone at this party and found the easiest victim to pick off. To me, this defines him as a rapist even before he committed any rape. Because rape is a mindset. If your intent is to figure out a way to trick, convince, or otherwise coerce a woman into having sex with you...you are a rapist, regardless of whether you have ever been successful. You have the mentality of a rapist and it is just a matter of time before you rape someone. The fact that this otherwise “good boy” could turn into a rapist is very simply the result of a rape culture.

Our culture consistently sends messages that women are objects of a man’s sexual desire and men are reduced to sexual predators. As objects, it is a woman’s duty and responsibility to guard her sexuality. In most cases, she is considered unfit to do so and needs to be protected by a male authority figure (i.e., those ridiculous memes of fathers protecting their daughters by threatening teenage boys with guns). When women are not successful in guarding their sexuality, they are either blamed for their victimhood or shamed for their promiscuity. There’s no way that a woman can have a healthy view of herself sexually. She’s either a failure or a slut.

The messages men receive regarding their sexuality are no less twisted. The cultural expectation that they be predators is everywhere. Viewing women as prey and sex as conquering that prey. As predators, their responsibility is to “get” sex by any means necessary. Sex is the objective. The woman doesn’t matter. Brock Turner’s victim said it very well when she reflected that if she had not gone to that party, this still would have happened. It just would have happened to someone else. If a man is not successful in conquering their prey, they are seen as weak and their manhood diminished. Portraying men in this way is just as disgusting and inaccurate as over-sexualizing women’s bodies. Women are more than their sexuality. Men are more than their sexuality. Everyone should be offended by these images and messages but very few actually are offended. The ones that speak up are marginalized through negative labeling (“crazy feminist”).

On the personal side, I have always known that I was more than my sexuality. However, I’ve been reduced to my sexuality over and over again. In my teens, there was the seemingly constant question of whether I was “still a virgin”. Once word got out that I wasn’t, boys suddenly showed interest in me. In my twenties, it became increasingly clear to me that no man would just be interested in me as a friend (with, of course, a handful of exceptions). If they showed interest, they were immediately deterred if I was already in a relationship. If we moved into a relationship, it fizzled quickly if we weren’t having sex. I will openly admit that this made me connect my personal value to sex. If I emphasized my sexuality towards men, I was valuable to them. If I didn’t, I was expendable and not worth getting to know. With this reflection, I am not in any way blaming the men in these situations. They are subjected to the same cultural pressures and expectations as I am and my insecurity is in no way their fault. I only reflect that these messages impacted me and my self-esteem greatly. And I can’t imagine that I’m alone in this.

The pattern of over-sexualizing women and reducing men to animals is so deeply ingrained into our cultural identity that we hardly even notice it. As long as these messages and images remain at the forefront of our media, we will continue to have cases exactly like Brock Turner. The only thing special about this rape is that Brock was caught. How many other rapes happened that night with other men looking to “hook up” and other women not realizing that they were about to be victims? The answer is easily in the thousands. Maybe not at Stanford, or in California, but count every rape on every college campus during or after a frat party and it’s easily thousands of cases of rape. All because men feel pressure to prove their manhood through sexual exploits and a woman’s value is constantly reduced to her sexual attractiveness.