Happy 7th, Cole!

Seven seems like such a big number. When I used to think of seven year old boys, I have to admit I didn’t like them much. I always thought that kids started getting less cute and more annoying at around this age.

Can you believe I thought that?

Now that you have reached this age, I not only find that you are still cute...you are also hilarious! Although, I will say that you are lucky your mom thinks fart jokes are funny.

You are definitely a boy who wears his feelings on his sleeve. It appears that all of my effort in teaching you words for your emotions has paid off because you are VERY good at telling us how you feel. Maybe too good. I don’t think we would mind if you dialed it back a little.  :)

This past school year, we have watched with pride as you continued to excel in reading. Every spelling test that came home was a perfect score. You find math to be “too hard” and I noticed that you expected more out of your 6-year-old brain than is possible.  I have become a bit concerned about blooming perfectionism. Both your father and I have struggled with perfectionism in our own way and I hate to see that you seem to have inherited the trait. I have watched you give up on something when it’s too much of a challenge and you chastise yourself excessively when you make mistakes. A new (and very disturbing) trend is that you call yourself “a bad person” when we talk to you about a poor choice or a problem behavior. I wish I could literally pluck those thoughts out of your head. They break my heart. I know the price of perfectionism and I don’t wish it on anyone.

There were some milestones that you reached this year. You lost your first tooth in December. I was six when I lost my first tooth, too. Late bloomers, I guess. Here we are on your 7th birthday and you still haven’t lost your two front teeth (only one...very recently).

You also found your first best friend, Levi. You rode the bus to school together and sat together in Mrs. Malenich’s class. You even both went to each other’s summer birthday parties. When I was your age, I was not able to make close friends. I was too shy. For this reason, I deeply value friendships and am delighted that you have a best friend.

You also joined cub scouts very soon after school started. I considered it a trial year because I was unsure of how you would like it. So far, it’s been a lot of fun. We’ve had a chance to go to many day camps where you experienced tons of awesome new things. We have hiked, shot a bow and arrow, went ice fishing, wore snow shoes, and shot candies with a sling shot. You beamed with pride as you built a birdhouse using the screwdriver all by yourself. This weekend, we are going to your first overnight camp together as a family. Looks like you’re in for next year.

Your newest adventure might be trying to make YouTube gaming videos. Your favorite YouTuber is DanTDM. A good portion of your year was spent with blue hair, just like Dan. We even had a chance to go see him do a live show in Detroit earlier this year. That was quite a treat. While we have the equipment to do videos, your momma doesn’t exactly have the time. I wonder how other kids do it because you and I literally spent a whole day trying to make one video.

I hope this next year comes with many more adventures. I love watching you be who you are, so unapologetically Cole. I will always love that about you.

With Love,

Momma

When is it enough?

At the risk of my dear step-children one day reading this, I have a deep sense of urgency to express this is writing. I can no longer keep it inside of myself as I am finding it destructive.

I will preface my thoughts with a very simple statement. The biological mother of my step-children suffers from a very severe personality disorder (Cluster B for those who know personality disorders). I’m not kidding or saying that in jest. She is incapable of seeing the negative impact that she has on others. She uses emotional manipulation and psychological control to maintain the loyalty of her children. She instinctively creates dramatically destructive situations and lays blame to everyone but herself (including the children). Her daughter has resorted to emotional insulation and escape behaviors to manage her anxiety. Her son withdraws emotionally in general but is quick to overreact when his own negative emotions become too much for him to bear.

She has been jailed twice for domestic violence (both of which were witnessed by the children) and allowed a previous boyfriend to assault her son as a form of punishment. CPS has completed two investigations and is currently completing another one. Each time (and I’m sure this time as well) ending with the “consequence” of parenting and/or anger management classes. Both of which are clearly useless to the personality disordered who invariably and intractably believe that they are not wrong and do not need to change.

So I ask this with a level of desperate frustration that I cannot fully express. When will it be enough? At what point will someone with the authority to back it up finally say that she cannot parent? My mind is continually brought to this case in my own hometown.

http://www.mlive.com/news/flint/index.ssf/2016/07/mother_charged_in_connection_t.html

In this case, there were “multiple previous contacts with CPS over allegations of physical neglect, medical neglect, lack of supervision, physical abuse and having a drug-exposed infant.” Only after this mother killed her 4-year-old son, did anyone bother to take any of her 7 children away from her. Everyone knew. The authorities, CPS, neighbors. It took a child’s death for someone to say, “Hey, this woman can no longer parent”. This is the example of child protection that is held in my community. A mother’s rights to be a horrific parent remain active until she kills one of her children.

My husband and I took the fight to the courts. After 6 months, over $5000 in lawyer fees, and a comment from our lawyer that we were “fortunate to get the deal”, we were merely able to increase our parenting time to almost 50%. Our lawyer lamented openly that Genesee County is very conservative and tends to prioritize a mother’s relationship with the children.

So there it is. With our hands tied and our hearts breaking, we watch as the system fails our children. In the one-half of their lives that we are allowed to have, we desperately try to counteract her toxicity with whatever we have to offer them. Security. Stability. Open communication. Support. Family….and Hope that it is enough.